Yesterday I accepted that she is never coming back and that her love for me was not as determined and true as mine was for her. I accepted that she does not love me enough to communicate with me.
That night I had two dreams. When I repressed the love, it returned in my dream as an anxiety dream and as wish-fulfillment.
Anxiety dream: I went to numerous places, filled with people, looking for her. Each time I received a clue. She was there .. and then there… and then there.. and never was she there. All clues led, finally, to her apartment. I was excited to walk in and just catch a glimpse of her, or maybe hear her sweet voice again. Instead, there was a new family living there and they had no idea where she went. I woke up with my heart pounding. I slept 30 minutes. I still can not believe that her love is not strong enough for her to talk with me, even after almost three weeks has passed.
Wish-Fulfillment: I fell back asleep at 7am. Again, I slept for 30 minutes. This time I was at a house. My parents were sitting outside. I asked them to please not be angry with you for what you’ve done to me, for all the suffering. I asked them to please forgive because it would only push her further away from me. They accepted. After that, you called me on the telephone – but I didn’t know at first that it was you. There was music playing in the background, as if it were an infomercial. You said, “May I please speak with Doctor Duane Rousselle?” in your most formal and convincing voice. I said, “that is me.” You said, “I understand that you’ve been having a lot of heart ache recently, …” as if you were trying to sell me something. I smiled and than laughed very hard. You laughed hard too. I woke up again with my heart beating. This time it was more painful because it was not that I couldn’t find you, as in the other dream, but that I’ve always found you – we always shared care and humor and adventure. And when you called you reminded me that our relationship really was unique, romantic, once in a lifetime. And that was the hardest to bear.