l am alone as I ever was. I am a lover. I have always said that communication is the most important thing in a relationship; not because it brings understanding, but because it invents new solutions for the everyday misunderstandings. It has been almost three weeks and there has been very little communication. However, there was that one phone call, and, it reminded me that we can communicate: after three hours I put down the phone with the belief that you were coming back to me, and that we understood each other.
Today you communicate by leaving breadcrumbs. There is no dialogue. There is only the wall, le mur, l’amour. You do not communicate with me because you know that we would resolve the problems and renew our love. And you need protection against that vulnerability. So you block me, and you surround yourself with people who want you to block me out of your life. Against vulnerability, leaps of faith, you have walls and strength. Strength against vulnerability.
You say that actions speak louder than words. Well, if only that were true! It was through my actions that new words had to be invented. It was through our relationship that new words had to be invented. I converted to Islam. Why? I will say what I say, but people will always demand a better answer. I united with members of the Mosque and dozens of locals on an emergency mission to win you back. I suffered, I sacrificed, and, for the longest time, I did it alone. Throughout our relationship – actions spoke louder than words. Each and every item is a testimony of my love for you.
Now you are silent and the days keep passing. You let them pass because another day means that it will get easier for you, you will sleep better, you will wake better, and you will be capable of moving on without me. Each and every day I have made an effort to reach out to you. You have made an effort to flee from me. My actions are just as explainable as yours – they came out of great torment and suffering – but perhaps they were not as cruel and hurtful as yours. Yet, I am the forgiving one. Your actions have nearly cost me my life, endlessly. Two nights in a hospital. Vomit surrounding the walkways of our apartment. Endless nights sleeping under trees outside (thinking you might show up to our spots). 25 pounds lost from lack of diet. The endless panic attacks. The memories that stand like tombstones around me.
You leave breadcrumbs because, like the guy to the girl I met crying at one of our spots yesterday, you want to leave me but you also want the comfort of knowing that I still love you until you can fully push through to your so-called new world and future.
You told me nothing would separate us. I never believed you would disappear and never return again. I had every faith in us and in our relationship. We smiled more than anybody ought to smile. I thought we were worth communicating about. I thought I was worth something to you. I’ve been abandoned, entirely. My only point of communication is now with your father and he does not want to talk to me. He speaks in place of you, for you, and he tells me what you are thinking and how I need to act.
Without communication, there is no love. There is only the comfort of thinking your own thoughts, dreaming your own dreams, and living your own life. That is the comfort of the child. The adult is the one who wants to share those thoughts, dreams, and life with another – despite the obstacles, despite the minor things that happen in any relationship.